Friday, May 15, 2009

Beck to the Future (5/15/09): Return of the Beck

THE BECK'S BACK BABY!!! Well actually I'm back. I'm assuming Glenn has been educating the American public on conservative values five days a week since my last post. I've caught some flack for the lack of Beck live-blogging for the past couple weeks. Look, I'm sorry that Beck to the Future has been on hiatus, but I've been busy finishing exams and graduating from law school. What have you been doing for the past two weeks? Yeah, that's what I thought. Get off my case. Now that I've gotten that off my chest it's time to get back to business. I'm blogging from the great state of North Carolina today. God's country. Also my mom is joining me for the show today. Let's give her a warm Beck to the Future welcome. In honor of my guest I will be instituting the "Mom Rage Guage." This tool is being implemented to measure the Glenn's effect on those leaning farther to the left. My mom would describe herself as a moderate democrat, but I will submit that this self-evaluation represents at least mild understatement. The "Mom Rage Guage" will be a simple 1 to 10 scale (1 being grudging agreement, because that's as good as it will get, and 10 being pure, unmitigated hatred). I don't expect to see this scale slip below 9.5. So sit back, relax, and get ready for your daily dose of raw conservatism.

*A caveat for today's show. This is not our normal news-type (I use that descriptor EXTREMELY loosely) show. It is a show based around is 9-12 Project, and Glenn is in a studio with a live audience. These people refer to themselves at "9-12'ers." As a frame of reference I want you to think about Glenn as Jim Jones and the audience as the poor saps who had to drink the Kool Aid.

5:00 - Glenn! Hey buddy! How the hell have you been? No tie today I see. Well played Glenn. Well played. Woah. Glenn started his show today off standing amongst in his audience. He's never had an audience before. What is going on here? I'M FREAKING OUT!! It seems I missed a lot while I've been gone. I hope I can catch up.

5:01- Oh ok. Glenn is just babbling about how the federal government is becoming too powerful. I'm caught completely back up. That took about 52 seconds which is 47 seconds too long.

5:03 - As I said, today's show is about Glenn's 9-12 project which is about Glenn's 9 principles and 12 rules, or 9 axioms and 12 pillars, or is it 9 decrees and 12 canons? I can't keep it straight. Anyways, hey Glenn, you know who else subscribed to 9 principles and 12 whatevers? The Branch Davidians.

5:06 - Glenn just took an audience poll: Question: Who in the audience trusts the U.S. government? No one raises their hands. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is not a representative section of the population.
  • My mom just yelled the word "Idiot!" at the TV. Mom Rage Guage = 10.1.
5:08 - Glenn literally has a chalkboard which he has written all over. Come on Glenn, couldn't they at least get you a dry erase board. Chalk is so 1950's. I hope that he uses this teaching tool to it's fullest potential.

5:09 - Glenn just told us that the government is coming for us and that we are on the list. Wait. WHAT?! I KNEW IT!! I have to encourage my readers to pack only what is necessary and leave their homes immediately. The government is coming. Glenn has set up a warren of caves deep in the mountains of West Virginia. We should be safe there. That is of course until we launch the revolution. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!

5:11 - A studio audience guest named Angelo is being questioned by Glenn. This guy bears a striking resemblance to Tony Soprano. He says he used to be a car salesman (read: waste management). I can only assume this guy is tagged as head of WV cave security.

5:12 - Now to Scott who owns a huge gun shop in NY. He says the government is out of control. The last guy you want saying the government is out of control is a guy who has access to a large cache of small arms. Scott is most certainly funneling guns to Glenn's warren of cave in WV.

5:14 - Now Carl. A state legislator who is a self-proclaimed 9-12'er. Carl believes the federal government is tyrannical. Another guest with a solid belief system clearly grounded in reality. See you in the caves my friend.

5:15 - I just want to say that I think Glenn has gotten lazy. He's just asking his audience full of mental patients questions and letting them spew all kinds of nonsense.
  • My mom left the room to talk on the phone. Lame. I need to get her back up here because this show is leaning farther right than normal ones. MA! THE MEATLOAF!!!
5:18 - Commercial break. This time will be used to allow Glenn's audience to drink a sugary beverage containing drugs that will make them much more susceptible Glenn's suggestions. When we come back Glenn says he'll educate us on state rights (read: starting another Civil War).

5:21 - Glenn's back and so is my mom. Welcome back to the both of you.

5:22 - New audience member. His name is Kevin and he's an expert on the 10th Amendment. This guy will undoubtedly be the Attorney General of the WV caves.
  • My mom just diagnosed Kevin with a thyroid problem. Don't worry Kevin. My mom has no formal medical training, but you do look a little pale and you are making almost no sense.
5:25 - Glenn just accidentally referred to the 10th Amendment as the 10th Commandment. I think that gives us a good fix as to where Glenn's opinions are coming from.

5:27 - Kevin just said that courts have taken things into their own hands and don't make decisions based on what the people want. Hate to tell you this Kev, but ummmm... that's kind of what courts are supposed to do.
  • I just told my mom that Glenn went to Yale. She is shocked. She is convinced it is a lie and that he only has a GED. She has no evidence to support this belief, but I'm inclined to agree with her. The truth is that Glenn only took a single class at Yale, but I wanted to get my mom riled up. Intentionally provoking here right now is extremely dangerous and puts me at great risk of harm, but I'm willing to do this for my Beck to the Future followers. I love you guys. Mom Rage Guage = 11.3.
5:31 - Glenn's back from commercial. He's kind of gotten away from using the chalkboard. I'd like to see him utilize that more. I peg his audience as visual learners (read: fans of picture books). Maybe a Ven diagram, Glenn? I also want to point out that Glenn was throwing peanut M&M's at one of the news anchors while she was giving her report. Fox News. Slassy outfit.

5:33 - Uh-oh. Glenn is now talking to some dude from Montana that proposed a gun law that completely takes gun control out of federal hands. He says that he plans on fighting the commerce clause by using the 10th Amendment and that they will litigate this law through the courts. I hate to tell you my friend. The Montana legislature will never actually pass that law this crazy so you can save those attorney's fees and give all that money to the revolution.

5:36 - A judge that is in Glenn's audience just said that states should pass laws saying that state and local police will not enforce federal laws. He says that this will in effect take away the power of the federal government because it can't control states without the help of local law enforcement, essentially seceding from the Union. The line under the guy's name reads "Senior Judicial Analyst." Looks like Kev has some competition for the WV cave Attorney General position. Game on. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!
  • Mom just called these people "fringe lunatics." This is trenchant analysis. Rage Guage = 16.4.
5:41 - Commercial break. My mom is really geared up now. She cites a lack of specific examples from Glenn about the abuses of the federal government as what upsets her the most. She just muttered, "God, when is this show going to be over?" Hang on mom. 17 more minutes. Rage is at a dangerously high level of 32 right now. I've got 911 all tee'd up on my cell phone.

5:44 - The anchor that Glenn was throwing M&M's at is reading viewer emails. One of the emails says that the new health care plan will make our government worse than communism and fascism. I think mom just blacked out. I'm gonna go get some smelling salts.

5:46 - Glenn's guests are OUTRAGED that the federal government is going to help out some states that are in financial trouble. The judge/hopeful AG says that the Constitution does not confer this power on the federal government. Maybe not your honor, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that common sense leads us in that direction.
  • My mom just saw Glenn wink at the judge. She is now questioning his sexuality. Rage Guage = 17.4 (it's gone down because of her acceptance and support of homosexuality).
5:52 - The judge is expounding on the commerce clause and I can only say that the audience members are incensed that the federal government can control commerce. Kevin is now chiming in as well. Give it up Kevin. The judge has locked up his position as Glenn's AG. Let me just say that these guys have absolutely no understanding of effects that an unregulated commerce system. I'm also certain that they yearn for the times of an agrarian economy.

5:58 - Mom just suggested that we turn Montana into some sort of semi-autonomous region in the U.S. that is in no way regulated by the federal government and see how long it takes them to kill each other. A violent and extreme response mom... but I may be able to support such a solution. Rage Guage = 28.3

5:59 - Glenn says we've learned a lot today. He asks the guy from Montana to sum it up for us. He says that the federal government is a "creature" that the states must get control of. Dear God. Unfortunately I believe that is precisely the lesson this show has attempted to impart.

Alright that is it folks. I'd like to thank Glenn Beck, my mom, and Glenn's audience (read: mental patients on a one hour leave from a local sanitarium) for joining showing us today. What we've learned: 1) Glenn and his followers (and future cave dwellers) believe that the Constitution consists solely of the 10th Commandment... Oops! I mean 10th Amendment; 2) the commerce clause is a bunch of malarkey and the modern economic system is waaaaaaay overrated; 3) my mom is now in need of high blood pressure medication; and 4) VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!!

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