Friday, April 24, 2009

Beck to the Future (4/24/09)

Let's get him out here people! I'll get the chant going. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! There he is!!

5:00 - Glenn. Sweet green tie. No jeans today. He just told us not to become a slave to the government. Glenn, you've been reading the 13th Amendment. Good for you.

5:01 - Uh oh. Glenn is talking about Al Gore and global warming. I think I can see a vein about to pop out of his forehead. I believe this is partly from his anger at Al/global warming, and part from him trying to understand anything that Al Gore says.

5:03 - Apparently 4 million babies are being DNA tested every year and their blood is being kept at government and private labs. Glenn pretends to hate this, but I'm pretty sure that he is hoarding these babies' blood to create an army of tiny little Glenn clone babies.

5:08 - Glenn welcomes a woman, her name is Twila, and a Minnesota state legislator, Tom, who are absolutely opposed to stealing baby blood. This belief seems like something I could get behind, but I'm sure the insanity of the ensuing conversation will turn me against these people and in favor of stealing blood from babies.

5:09 - Tom just invoked this "little thing called the Constitution" (wait, what is that?) that is being violated by stealing baby blood. Tom thinks that with our medical technology that people may be using this baby blood to clone people. This statement marks Tom as a person that is at least as crazy as Glenn if not more. Glenn says he doesn't think that they will use the blood to clone. Don't be fooled Tom, Glenn is trying to hide the ball on his baby army. The first mission for the baby army will be to kill you Tom. Constant vigilance.

5:13 - Alright get ready for a Beck to the Future first. I agree with Glenn. I think that Glenn and I find common ground on not wanting people to steal baby blood. If the next segment is about anti-puppy killing we will really be on a roll.

5:16 - Nooooooooope. Next thing Glenn talks about is the Tea Parties. It's been 8 days since my last post, and Glenn is still talking about the g##!d*%$! Tea Parties, and the "real people" (read: tax criminals and secessionists) that were there.

5:17 - Commercial break.

5:20 - We're back. Glenn says it is not too late for Obama to turn things around. I'd say he's right. Obama has been president for less than 4 months. Barack, don't let Glenn rush you.

5:21 - GOOD GOD!! Glenn said the next video is going to "make blood shoot right out of your eyes". Uhhhhh... I'm gonna change the channel.

5:22 - Glenn welcomes a UCLA co-ed (read: eye candy) to his show to talk about how Planned Parenthood perpetuates manipulations of young women. Her name is Lila. Lila tells me that the video I'm about to see will shock me. I'll be the judge of that Lila.

5:27 - Glenn just played a clip of Hillary Clinton talking about the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger. Clinton says she admires Sanger and that is all. The caption below says "Clinton compares Sanger to Thomas Jefferson". Clinton says nothing about this. Recall that last week Glenn compared himself to Martin Luther King Jr.

5:28 - Commercial break. When we come back Glenn will be talking about waterboarding. Taking bets on whether Glenn actually waterboards the poor bastard that got the "gas" poured on him a couple weeks ago.

5:32 - Hello Glenn. Glenn senses the government is spiraling out of control. He knows this because his sanity is in a similar condition.

5:33 - Oh no. He's talking about Nancy Pelosi. He welcomes a lawyer named Jay who says that Pelosi knew about waterboarding a long time ago. This guy's tie is so shiny that there is no doubt in my mind that it is made of metal. I kind of agree with these guys that Pelosi is probably lying. I don't trust her farther than I can throw her.

5:34 - They say that the CIA told members of Congress, including Pelosi, that they were going to use waterboarding and no one objected. In an attempt to help his viewers and his guest understand how he feels Glenn compares Pelosi finding out about waterboarding and doing nothing about it to a situation where he called Jay and told him that he was going to go to Jay's grandma's house and maybe light her on fire and Jay doing nothing about it. Ummmm, Jay, you need to go to your grandma's house immediately after this and keep a weather eye on her. I need not remind you that Glenn attempted to light one of his employees on fire a couple weeks ago on national tv.

5:36 - Glenn uses the analogy of lighting Jay's grandma on fire again. Seriously, Jay, go ahead and end the interview now and go to grandma's house. Lock the doors.

5:38 - Good lord, these guys are saying that we should torture terrorists because they torture people. Great idea Glenn. I'm pretty sure that Martin Luther King, your historical equivalent, promoted such a policy.

5:42 - Back from commercial break. Still talking about Nancy Pelosi. I mean these guys are desperate to pin the blame on Nancy Pelosi.

5:44 - Glenn's guest just said that he knows the lawyers in the Bush administration and that they are the best and the brightest. I agree with you my friend. You know who else was the best and the brightest - Lord Voldemort.

5:45 - Glenn says goodbye to Jay. Thanks for coming out buddy. Take care of that metal tie.

5:49 - Back from commercial. Glenn is talking about the new amendment to the Hate Crimes bill. Glenn says he doesn't understand hate crimes because he feels that any crime he commits will be against someone he hates (read: Jay's grandma). Am I alone in understanding what a hate crime is? Glenn says to call him a "simpleton" if we think it's silly that he doesn't understand the difference. I think I will Glenn. Simpleton.

5:50 - His new guest says that she thinks Glenn understands the Hate Crimes bill very well. All this does is prove that she has no idea what a hate crime is either.

5:54 - Glenn thinks that we should have every class of people listed under classes in the Hate Crimes bill. Yes. Let's add wealthy white males like Glenn to the hate crimes list because they are often chained to the back of a car and dragged to death because they are male, white, and wealthy. I'm not sure if the mentally handicapped are on the Hate Crimes bill, but if so then Glenn is protected.

5:59 - Glenn says that if we want smaller government then people must be responsible for themselves. We can only trust responsible, well-centered people to govern themselves without government. If the human race were that evolved at this point Darwinism would have seen to it that Glenn Beck would not exist.

There it is. Another successful show Glenn. Congratulations. I gotta decide whether to go to the hospital and stop those bastards from stealing baby's blood or go to Jay's grandma's house and make sure that she is alright. Probably gonna go with grandma's house because I'm in the mood for a Werther's Original. Wait... what's that. Dear lord it's the defeaning sound of the sound of Glenn's baby army marching in unison down my street. THEY'RE ON TO ME!!!!

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