Thursday, April 16, 2009

Beck to the Future - Part Deux

The pilot episode of my Glenn Beck live blog was pretty successful so I've decided to extend Glenn's contract for another three episodes. What does Glenn have in store for us today? I don't know, but we are about to find out.

5:00 - There he is. Glenn is wearing a nice suit jacket and tie with a pair of what appear to be Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Glenn's ratings among those 12-16 just tripled.

5:01 - People Glenn insulted in 60 seconds: Obama (3x), Mexico's president Felipe Calderon, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.

5:02 - Glenn is mocking those who mocked the "Tea Parties." GET 'EM GLENN! He says that the left-wing media is equating those that attended these events as extremists (cue picture of gun wielding terrorist). Glenn is sarcastically calling himself and extremist. I am sensing that he actually doesn't think he's an extremist. Oh Glenn, you are so clever.

5:05 - Glenn is now sarcastically listing all the reasons why he's an extremist. Caveat: Glenn is not actually saying he's an extremist, he's using the comedic tool of sarcasm to ridicule those that call him an extremist. Recall that last week Glenn poured what appeared to be gas on one of his employees.

5:07 - Glenn welcomes the CEO of the NRA (fellow extremist... not). This guy just told Diane Feinstein to tell him and his fellow NRA members to tell them "when and where to show up." Note to Diane Feinstein: when a top member of the NRA asks you "when and where to show up", DO NOT GO TO THAT PLACE.

5:08 - GB just told us that the only two organizations he belongs to are his church and the NRA. This establishes how in touch Glenn is with both society and his sanity.

5:11 - They are talking about a proposal by the UN to ban individual ownership of guns worldwide. They don't like it. NRA guy just said that when the glass breaks in your house not to call the UN for help. I absolutely agree with this guy. Do not call the UN. It will take them a REALLY long time for them to get there. Actually, it's unlikely that they will respond at all. Let me suggest calling the police.

5:16 - In a strange turn in the show Glenn just showed a picture of Martin Luther King and said that he changed the world without a gun and that's what we have to do. Recall that we just said goodbye to the CEO of the National Rifle Association. I don't know what to make of this.

5:19 - Glenn is in the process of comparing the Tea Party attendees to Martin Luther King. He also just said that instead of getting compared to MLK they are the victims of "teabagging" jokes. This officially makes Glenn the first person to invoke the spirit MLK and "teabagging" in the same sentence. Glenn Beck, you are a wordsmith.

5:20 - Commercial break. Forecast for the rest of the show: 90% chance of sarcasm.

5:24 - Glenn opens up with a clip of him in Texas at the Tea Party. Gretta Van Sustren just said it looks like Texas is ready to secede from the Union. Everyone in the background goes nuts cheering. Glenn nods knowingly and turns around. Glenn then says that those people love Amercia. This is the picture of sanity. Ooooo it looks like they are passing out Kool Aid in the background.

5:26 - Glenn welcomes Georgetown law professor Randy Barnett who is a states rights advocate. Finally someone that can challenge Glenn's raw intellect.

5:28 - This guy finally leaves. Thank god. What they were talking about was lame and Glenn could in no way understand what was coming out of the professor's mouth.

5:29 - Commercial break. Glenn will be talking about the Tea Parties when we come back. Or maybe he is having a tea party when he comes back. I'm not clear on which it is, but I'm hoping it's the latter.

5:33 - We're back. No actual tea party. Dammit. He's just talking about the tax-related Tea Parties again. Now he's playing clips from the "left-wing" media coverage (Read: every single respectable news station). Now showing a clip from CNN's coverage. This reporter from CNN is interviewing people at a Tea Party. Some lunatic is screaming about how his liberty is being taken away and now the crowd seems to be turning on her. The split-screen of Glenn's face shows that he is upset that the CNN reporter is repressing this lunatic's rights. Chances of that reporter getting out of that Tea Party alive - 7%.

5:40 - Some dude from a Tea Party is now on with Glenn. This guy just said that he is "jazzed up" twice in 5 seconds. This guy is getting me PSYCHED... jazzed even.

5:42 - Glenn says that we are now moving towards American Progressivism which he equates with Communism and Socialism. Tea Party guy just asked Glenn if he remembers "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Glenn does. Ooooo!!! Ooooo!!! I remember, I remember!

5:44 - Both of these guys are accusing Americans, liberals and conservatives, of hating capitalism. I question this tactic. Tea Party guy just said that fraud is a fact of life in business and that the government shouldn't regulate it. He says the market will take care of itself. There's no doubt in my mind that this guy is engaging in some securities violation as we speak.

5:46 - Glenn is plugging his "Common Sense Comedy Tour" which is a comedy tour, starring Glenn of course, for conservatives. He is SO versatile. Maybe the greatest entertainer of our time. OH SWEET MANNA FROM HEAVEN!!! Glenn is coming to Richmond June 6!!! Bar study break. Who's coming with me?

5:49 - Tea Party guy is STILL here. He's the only person I've ever seen that is more insane and "jazzed up" than Glenn. I couldn't despise him more if I tried.

5:53 - Glenn just said that we'll never be able to reach the crazy nut-jobs on either side of the political divide. Hmmmm... the irony of this statement coming from Glenn is not lost on me.

I'm ending this here because all Glenn did after the last commercial break was show this clip from Britain's version of American Idol that shows a British woman, Susan Boyle, who is in her late 40's, and is considerably more talented than Glenn. In a shameless display of self-aggrandizement, Glenn talks about how talented she is and then subtley compares himself to her. DO NOT MESS WITH SUSAN BOYLE GLENN!!! She's twice the lady you'll ever be.

Themes of the show: sarcasm, Tea Parties (not the fun ones with tea and scones, but the ones with insane people that don't think we have to pay taxes), and Susan Boyle.

1 comment:

  1. I would be careful about the legal ramifications of live-blogging Glen Beck or any other Fox News personality, you are coming dangerously close to stealing all of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow's material.