Thursday, April 9, 2009

Beck to the Future - The Pilot Installment

I've been told that live blogging is the heat. People need their information real time so that is how I'm going to give it to them. Today will be the first installment of "Beck to the Future", a series of live blogs following the Glenn Beck show on Fox News. Why the Glenn Beck show? I'll tell you why. Because I saw this clip from the Colbert Report the other day and I felt like my eyes had been opened for the very first time. Sure I'd heard of Glenn Beck before, but I didn't actually follow any of his shows. After I saw that clip depicting Glenn Beck weeping on national TV because he loves America so much I knew I could go no longer without Glenn Beck in my life. This will be my first time watching the show so join me, won't you? Let's delve into the dark heart of conservative television together. I will need you guys now more than ever. Let's begin:

4:58- I have Fox News on mute right now because I believe the most my brain can take of this station is 60 minutes.

5:00 - GLENN IS ON! He says his special guest is the governor of Texas. He just called the people working in Washington "clowns", and then talked in a British accent.

5:01 - He is unhappy that we are sending FBI hostage negotiators to try to free the captain captured by Somali pirates. Glenn seems to think that the resolution to the situation is obvious, but will not share it with us.

5:02 - Glenn is pouring gas on one of his show's workers because he disagrees with Obama's policies. It is unclear why he is doing this.

5:05 - SWEET JESUS HE JUST LIT A MATCH! Whew... it was just water in the gas can. That was close. Glenn is now calling for sanity in this country. When I say "calling for" I mean he is screaming at the camera.

5:06 - Rick Perry, governor of Texas, is now on. Glenn is asking him if he's regretting being on the show. Rick's words say no, but his eyes say yes.

5:07 - The banner on the bottom of the screen says "Economic Apocalypse". Rick also feels we need sanity in Washington.

5:08 - In a show of metaphorical genius, Glenn just compared border security to a bathtub. Rick Perry says that border security is an abject failure. I'll agree with him on this.

5:10 - Glenn is talking about an article in Time magazine that called him crazy. Time magazine... YOU BASTARDS!!! How dare you spew so much nonsensical vitriol about a true patriot like Glenn?!

5:11 - Glenn is complaining about the laws that require him to say that what he poured on his staffer was in fact water. These legal constraints are choking the life out of him. By the way, this guy is still sitting in the studio with Glenn and he is soaking wet. Glenn doesn't want him to leave because it is extremely cold in the studio and the guy is soaked in water. hahahahah... oh Glenn, you are such a card.

5:14 - He's now talking to a professor from Columbia about the recession. Good god, they just showed a map of the U.S. that put Hawaii approximately 1 inch southeast of Florida. This could be a subliminal message that the recession is going to force us to sell Hawaii to the Bahamas. Greedy Bahamas. Haven't we given you enough already?

5:17 - Glenn and this professor are getting along great together. They just shared a good belly laugh about how Cubans drive cars made in the 1950's and how silly "Progressives" (the best I can tell this is code for liberals) are.

5:23 - We are back from commercial break. Glenn wants to talk to the professor about municipal bonds. Glenn's eyes have glassed over because he doesn't understand anything about this. He is now preparing his next attack on liberal America.

5:25 - Glenn just said he called his stock broker 6 months ago to get all him money out of the stock market. I can only assume that this money is now filling Glenn's mattress at home.

5:27 - The professor is done. This is good for the professor I think. It was only a matter of time before Glenn poured gas on him. Commercial break. Oh goody. Special Easter thoughts from Glenn Beck next. You are going to want to stick around for this.


5:32 - He's talking about Jesus. Glenn wants us to stop arguing about religion.

5:33 - Glenn said that those ancient people surrounded by frogs and locusts had it worse than a country with 8.5% unemployment. On this point Glenn and I are in complete agreement.

5:34 - Clip from the movie "The Ten Commandments." I mean this is a long clip. I think Glenn may be taking the next 26 minutes off.

5:35 - Oooo he's back. Nope. Wait. Now a clip from "Passion of the Christ." Glenn believes that the crises in this country are preparing us for powerful miracles. They are just around the corner apparently. LEAD ME THERE GLENN!

5:38 - Commercial break. Rick Perry will be back along with Dr. Laura. The combination of these three people may represent one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. Or maybe, just like Glenn said, it is just something else that we are going to have to struggle through. I can't decide which it is.

5:40 - We're back. They just played a 911 call from Marcus Luttrell to emergency services saying that he was chasing the guys that just killed his dog. For those of you who don't know who Marcus Luttrell is a Navy SEAL who wrote a book called "Lone Survivor" which is a great and moving book. Luttrell is a hero and a badass, and whoever killed his dog has got to be completely insane. I would list Glenn as a person of interest in this crime.

5:42 - Glenn let Governor Perry go and told him to hold it down in Texas.

5:44 - Glenn and Dr. Laura are talking about stay at home moms.

5:45 - Glenn is saying how he and his wife will be homeschooling their children. Shocker. This will ensure that Glenn's kids will be as socially well adjuested as he is. Glenn believes there is too much propoganda in schools. Word UP, Glenn. I saw a flyer for a Hitler Youth ralley at school just today.

5:46 - Commercial break. This is immediately followed by an ad saying that the Glenn Beck program is brought to you by the Evangelical Church of America. A more likely alliance there has never been.

5:49 - Glenn welcomes author Harlan Coben. Harlan's tie is the most heinous thing I've ever seen.

5:50 - Harlan and Glenn are talking about torture. Harlan says he is skeptical of anyone who won't let him punch a terrorist in the face if he can save innocent lives. You and me both Harlan.

5:51 - Harlan says that his mother doesn't remember his birth. Ummmm, I don't want this to be awkward Harlan, buuuuuuttt... you were adopted. I'm sorry Harlan. I didn't want you to have to find out like this. Sweet tie though.

5:52 - Glenn says goodbye to Harlan. He doesn't want any motherless freaks on his show.

5:54 - Glenn is talking about global warming. He is skeptical about global warming to say the least.

5:57 - Glenn tells us the earth has warmed 0.7 degrees Celsius in the past 100 years (the tone of his voice tells me he isn't alarmed by this). He sarcastically wipes his brow from the sweat caused by this seemingly small temperature increase. HAHAHAHA! GLENN! HAHAH! STOP! HA! I! HAHA! CAN'T! HAHAHA! BREATHE!

5:58 - One of Glenn's other staff members is getting married apparently. Good for her I say. I hope it works out. Glen just gave her a door mat that says "The Spin Stops Here." Glenn you are one cheap m****f****er. I think those kids are gonna make it though.

6:00 - SHOW'S OVER!!! We made it folks. Congratulations all around. I'm not sure we could have asked Glenn for a better show.

Recap: four guests (one governnor, one professor, one doctor, and one motherless bastard), one 911 phone call, two religiously based movie clips, one of the ugliest ties ever worn on TV, 0.7 degree Celsius, and one doormat that will soon grace my front porch.

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