Thursday, April 30, 2009

Beck to the Future (4/30/09)

Response to the last "Beck to the Future" installment was at an all time high. This makes me happy, but come on when you have Glenn Beck + stealing baby blood + Glenn threatening to light his guest's grandmother on fire, you've got a sure fire recipe for success. I just pray that Glenn and I don't let you guys down this week.

5:00 - I'm watching Glenn in HD today. It's a life altering experience. Glenn is wearing jeans again. Come on Glenn. He's decided that denim is just his color. You go Glenn.

5:01 - Glenn is doing his "Hot List". This is a list of headlines from the day that Glenn runs through in approximately 47 seconds. It's the only thing on this show that even approaches actual information. This is precisely why he rushes through it.

5:04 - Glenn says that consumer spending being up is not a good sign for the economy. He's upset that people are spending money? I imagine Glenn is upset about this because he's already spent all his money buying supplies in an attempt to stock up for the apocalypse.

5:06 - Glenn is in the midst of comparing the problems in the economy to a cold and that we need to let the cold run its course without trying to fix it. Another brilliant idea from Glenn Beck. If it's broke don't fix it. Do me a favor Glenn, if you start experience flu-like symptoms, just let it run its course.

5:13 - Glenn welcomes another guest (he had a guest before, but she was lame and did not make the cut for the blog) his name is Yaron Brook. The name is pronounced Yawon Bwook... no wait... this guy just has a huge lisp... it is actually pronounced the normal way. This guy works at the Ayn Rand center, which means he has probably been arrested multiple times for trying to burn down U.S. government buildings. I imagine Glenn probably has a similar rap sheet.

5:14 - Glenn is telling us about freedom. Glenn and this dude say that freedom means not having a government at all. I can't take this guy seriously because he has such a huge lisp. He keeps saying the word "Chrysler" which is a problem because it comes out "Cwysler." Let's wap it up Yawon.

5:17 - Yawon just said that notions of altruism and collectivism have infected this country. Glenn agrees. Yes. Helping people out and working together is the ideological equivalent of swine flu that is slowly killing this country. The auditory equivalent of swine flu is listening to Glenn and Yawon attempt to tell me how the world should be.

5:21 - Okay we are in a commercial break, but I have to tell you about the Fox News commercial that was just on. They just said a special story on a later program would be Glenn Beck telling us what he is doing with his money. I imagine the plan is incredibly simple: Step 1) get knife; Step 2) cut open your mattress; Step 3) shove all your money in it.

5:24 - We're back. Another flippin guest. Good lord. This time it is David Baldacci who is an author of a series of national security/spy/terrorism novels. Glenn says that if you go to anyone's house you will see Baldacci's books on their bookshelf. Ummmm... don't think so Glenn. I can think of about 1,000 people I know that do not have one book by this guy. I'm sure that Glenn's bookshelf (read: the top of Glenn's toilet) is filled with them though because he picks them up beside the register at the grocery store while buying more supplies for the apocalypse.

5:28 - Commercial break. Next we will talk about swine flu and how it is destroying Mexico's economy. I have no doubt that Glenn hates swine and Mexico and hopes that the flu wipes out both.

5:33 - Let me tell you what is happening on the screen right now. Glenn is promoting his comedy tour. He has a video clip of the standup in which he is wearing an NRA t-shirt and cargo pants. Beside the video box is the famous "Unite or Die" cartoon with the snake in different several pieces. I have no doubt that what I'm seeing right now is infinitely more humorous than Glenn's standup.

5:35 - Glenn welcomes a new guest. He is "streaming" video of this guy from Cancun (WOOOOOOOOOO!!! SPRING BREAK!!!) who is talking about swine flu. When I say streaming you can barely see this dude's face. It looks and sounds like he is speaking to us from the future. Glenn asked him why he doesn't have a mask on and the guy says he doesn't think he needs it. Prognosis for his health: bleak.

5:42 - ANOTHER GUEST. Props to the people that set up these interviews for A) finding so many and B) making sure they are crazy enough to be on the show. This dude's name is Mike and he is the commissioner of Warren County, Ohio. This county returned over $300,000 of stimulus money (read: the people of this county now live in abject poverty). Both Glenn and Mike pay little attention to this and focus more on the fact that a trillion dollars stretches 68,000 miles into the air.

5:44 - How did this county end up with this stimulus money in the first place if Mike hates it so much? He tells us it is apparently because people in his office applied for it without his knowledge. These people have all disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

5:45 - Glenn likes Mike and keeps saying it is because he is a "regular guy." I believe that Mike finds this incredibly insulting.

5:46 - Guess what Glenn is talking about right now? If you didn't say Tea Parties then you are a moron. It's been 3 weeks since the Tea Parties and he's still talking about it. I think I just experienced a mild stroke.

5:49 - We are in another commercial break, but I gotta tell you about the infomercial that is on right now. It is for a device called the Slap Chop that goes to work on food. This guy just cut up some berries with it and made a delicious looking fruit salad.

5:50 - Glenn's back and he's still got Mike with him. MIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEE!!!! I don't know why I'm so excited to see him. I think it's just because he's such a "regular guy."

5:52 - Mike just said that he is a Libertarian. I'm sorry I just have an incredibly hard time reconciling anything that Mike says with the fact that he literally runs a governmental entity. I don't know if anyone has seen the show Parks and Recreation, but there is a character on there who is a Libertarian and runs a governmental office. The show makes fun of the irony of this. Mike is flesh and blood representation of this irony. Congrats Mike. You are famous.

5:57 - Glenn just said that his show doesn't have a theme. Uhhhhhhh.... disagree. Tea Parties, Glenn. The theme of your show is Tea Parties.

5:58 - He wants us to arm ourselves with knowledge. He sends a message to parents. If your kids are struggling then let them fail and they will be stronger. Or they will die. Either way you get to turn your head so that's a bonus.

Things to take away from today's show: 1) Mike has no idea what a Libertarian is; 2) The theme of Glenn's show is Tea Parties; 3) BUY A SLAP CHOP.

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